Tips for What Not To Do When your child is Having a Tantrum

This is an excerpt from The Tantrum Survival Guide, by Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, PhD.

DON’T invalid your toddler’s perspective or emotions. When parents describe their toddler’s tantrums, they frequently speak in an incredulous tone. “She completely freaks out over the smallest thing!” Parents constantly use this word, “smallest,” and the many synonymous words and phrases — “littlest,” “most unimportant,” “most trivial” — to describe the things that trigger their child’s tantrums. On their face, the reasons toddlers throw tantrums can be patently absurd.

And yet, when we are with our children, it’s important that we don’t laugh, that we take their reactions and experiences seriously. Some examples of invalidating reactions, aside from blatantly laughing at your child, include:

• “X is not a big deal.” When in the history of the world has this ever worked with anyone? Your toddler or preschooler will never say, “You know what? You’re right, Mom. It’s totally not. My bad — blew it way out of proportion.” Frankly, it’s not just kids. No one responds this way. Ever.
• “Oh come on, it’s only X.” The “only” here is the big clue that you are patronizing your child by discounting whatever it is she’s upset about. The word “just,” in the same context, is also a giveaway. Be on the lookout for those words — even when said in a seemingly empathic tone — when your little one is falling apart.
• “There’s nothing to get so upset about.” Again, think about your own experiences with being upset. Is it ever helpful to be told you’re upset for no reason? No. Either you believe there is a good reason to get so upset or you’re aware of the absence of a “reason” from a logical standpoint, and yet you’re upset anyway. And now you’re also ashamed of being upset, since apparently there’s nothing to get upset about.
• “You’re being ridiculous.” This one pretty much speaks for itself. No one likes to be told he’s being ridiculous, whether age two or 42. The same goes for words like “unreasonable” and “irrational.”